🏞 On sadhana
It’s Thursday evening, after dinner, as I start writing this week’s newsletter. The sun is still up. And I can hear a few birds gossiping as they fly home. I am at my desk with its ragged tapestry, my favorite pictures and books arranged just so, and an old, much-loved piece of South Indian classical music playing in the background. I love this time at the end of the day, finally sitting with these familiar {favorite} comforts, and the only thing I have to do is write. Have I mentioned I love writing? That’s right. I do. But I especially love writing that doesn’t involve working on my novel (more on this later).
It’s good to have a regular writing practice again. These 6-7 weeks of showing up and participating in Substack have forever changed my life. Opening an account on an online platform may not sound like much of a risk or a life-changing decision. But many such small, everyday decisions that we repeatedly procrastinate over are just the visible tip of giant icebergs of personal terror (for example, are you willing to show yourself and be seen.) And though it sounds small, easy, or both, it’s not.
We might know when the current version of ourselves feels like a too-tight outfit, limiting our movements, and everyone can tell we are hot and uncomfortable. Just as we might know it’s time to step out of it and get into something new. But some ancient part of us realizes it’s not as simple as changing outfits. It knows the decision to honor growth involves allowing ourselves to break apart and be remade into something new.
So, of course, we put off this frightening moment as much as possible. We wait for the perfect weather or a sign that everything is going to be okay. We might even calculate by hand the positions of the planets to see if they favor us. It is scary to try something new, and we try to minimize risk. (You probably know that when I say we, I mean I. Though it may also apply to many of us.)
And suddenly, we do it. We leave the past version behind.
So, what comes after?
Have you heard of the word sadhana? It is a Sanskrit word, and if you google it, you’ll find, at its simplest, it means a spiritual practice. There is a practitioner. They have a repetitive, disciplined practice. And they’re working towards a goal. In its original context, the goal of sadhana was to attain detachment (freedom) from worldly desires.
In a more simplified, personal context, sadhana can mean to show up, to take action, and yet detach from the very goal towards which we are working. It doesn’t mean a happy ending is guaranteed just because we’re being spiritual about it. Detachment doesn’t mean half-hearted effort, nor does it mean we don’t care. Instead, sadhana is a paradox, a routine whereby we free ourselves.
Where in your life are you applying this principle?
In my case, writing here has become a sadhana. I’m learning not to focus on some out-there goal but to write more, to write often, and to write better. To focus on the now of making friends and building community. It is true that “the journey is the reward"1, because in showing up, in practicing, we’re somehow transformed.
I am also learning do the same thing to finish my novel. This is harder. I’m sure at least some of you will resonate with the terror that comes from doing the very thing you love, another paradox. I love writing but you have to tie me down to work on my novel. I don’t know why it has to be this way (I saw a Notes thread about this last week and it’s always comforting to see others grapple with it too). If I could just work in a concerted way, I can have it done by summer. But something in me, probably that ancient part, resists it.
Every time I think about writing the novel, I fantasize about spending hour after hour lost in the creative process. I wish I could do that. But right now all I can do is show up for an hour and the last fifteen minutes, I am watching the clock. I don’t let myself linger beyond the hour because I am learning to just visit with the terror. I think of this too as sadhana.
This is a longer post than I’d planned but I hope it resonated with you. I’d love to hear your insights and stories (and it doesn’t have to be about writing at all). You can leave me a comment below or you can email me directly at writersomnibus@gmail.com. Thank you for reading and have a wonderful week ahead. - Priya
Attributed variously to Taoist teachings, Homer, and Steve Jobs.
I definitely resonate with it being hard to do what I love. I love writing, and I'd love to one day publish a novel, but it's scary to come up with something because it involves a lot of labor. Planning, plotting, writing an outline, writing the first draft, the second etc etc, and then to realize (as I knew before going in) that the first novel one writes rarely gets published. If you're super lucky, maybe an agent will pick up your second novel. Or third. Some people write hundreds of novels that never see daylight because, even with all the labor and love, no publisher wants it (unless you publish it yourself, which is also costly in both money and labor). But for now I am satisfied writing my newsletter, even if I don't write as much as I'd like due to both procrastination and my real-life responsibilities. But the practice of sadhana is interesting! I think it's good to have a ritualistic, disciplined way of working. Even if it's just for 15 minutes, sometimes those minutes turns into hours. I feel the same about painting, another hobby of mine. There must be motivation to start, and discipline to finish. And even though I believe it's okay to not finish a work you're not satisfied with, you can't just refuse to finish if it's a commission or otherwise what puts food on the table. I hope to get a routine over the summer, to at least use my time to write more for my newsletter. And find a way to record for my podcast (I know of a studio I can rent for cheap in my city, on hourly basis). One must somehow keep the ball rolling, even up the steep hills! It's rewarding to see the outcome, and to be on a journey.
I learned about this term in college! It's cool to revisit it. I'm not writing a novel, but I've been procrastinating a bit with some stuff that are more involved and research-intensive these days. I hope you get more inspiration and will to work on your novel each day, even just for a little bit. I've been enjoying your wit and wisdom in your posts.